The Ugly Grinch and His ReindeerCatThingy
by Ephere
Summary: Ulquiorra the grinch does not like happy things. So he and his trusty cat-reindeer Grimmjow attempt to steal Christmas from Karakura Town. With Ichigo too busy laughing at Grimmjow's costume to help, is there any hope to stop them?
1. He Got An Idea! An Awful Idea!

Title: The Ugly Grinch and His Reindeer-Cat-Thingy  
Author: Ephemeral Rainfall  
Summary: Ulquiorra the grinch does not like happy things. So he and his trusty cat-reindeer Grimmjow set out to steal Christmas from Karakura Town. With Ichigo too busy laughing at Grimmjow's costume to help, is there any hope to stop them? Disclaimer: Kubo owns Bleach, not me, although I would love it for a Christmas present, hint hint, so the lawyers better leave. Dr. Seuss owns the Grinch and Christmas is considered common property.  
Note: This is crack. Just so we're clear.

Once upon a time, there was a magical and happy city with magical and happy people called The Magical and Happy City with Magical and Happy People of Karakura Town. (Abbreviated as Whoville.)

But that is not where our story takes place. Instead, our tale starts on a cliff way way way way way way up high, overlooking this magical and happy city, in a not so magical or happy cave. For you see, in this cave lived a grinch. What is a grinch? (For plot purposes a grinch is simultaneous with an arrancar.)

Well, a grinch (arrancar) is an ugly, mal-formed, distorted, heartless brute; ten feet tall with small, haunted red eyes; with long, gangly limbs; and a nasty meat cleaver of a smirk that splits its face in twain. Hated by all, they find companionship only with others of its kind, communicating with Neanderthal grunts and crude snorts. One typically finds them in packs of two or more.

But our grinch (arrancar) is a little…different. Because of tragic deformities, it lives alone; it was quite hideous for a grinch (arrancar), and thus never accepted into grinch (arrancar) society. With arms that had only one elbow and were too short for its grinch (arrancar) body, a body half the height of a healthy grinch (arrancar), gigantic green eyes, and a face devoid of the branding sneer, it was a monstrosity among monstrosities.

Hated by all grinch (arrrancar)-kind for its abnormalities, this one is the one we will follow this chilly winter evening. Around twilight, it would emerge from its cave and prey on the unfortunate souls that stray onto the mountain and are snared by the dark. The people of Karakura fear and whisper of this bizarre creature, the likes of which no one had actually returned to tell the tale of.

And hush, here he comes!

Observe his mutated features!

Be fascinated by his strange habits!

Note his uncharacteristic appearance!

Can you tell that I've never seen this beast either!

…

Ulquiorra Schiffer stepped out into the twilight.

…

Wait.

That's…not a grinch.

_Yes it is._

No, it's not.

_Of course it is._

It looks nothing like a grinch!

_Didn't we just spend the past paragraph explaining that this was a mutant grinch?_

But it doesn't even _resemble_ a grinch! It looks almost…human.

_It's an ugly grinch, okay? _

…Ugly grinches resemble relatively good-looking humans…

_Yes_.

Right…so how is it a grinch again?

_No heart._

…Fine. Moving on.

…

The grinch looked down.

The bright colors of Karakura Town hurt his head.

He didn't like that.

"Grimmjow!"

…

Wait a minute. I thought he lived alone.

_He _does_ live alone._

Then what's Grimmjow doing there?

_He's not a grinch._

So he's more of a…pet?

…_Sure. Call him that if you're feeling particularly suicidal_.

I'll pass.

…

The robin's-egg-blue-haired not-grinch popped his head out of the cave. Grumbling a garbled string of unintelligible consonants under his breath, he moodily eyed the short grinch questioningly.

"I do not like the bright colors of Karakura Town, Grimmjow."

Mumble.

"They make my head hurt. I do not like that either."

Grunt.

"What would I like you to do about it?"

Mutter.

"I would like them to stop hurting my head. You are going to make them stop hurting my head."

…Grumble.

"I am the grinch, remember? I have a reputation to uphold. They must not know of my disinclination towards intense lighting."

Mumble.

"If you do not fix it you are sleeping on the couch."

Groan.

And so Grimmjow the not-grinch with electric blue hair trudged down the mountain in twilight to go tell the people to turn off their stupid light pollution so he could be spared from the cold white hella big sofa.

It didn't work out so well.

Some kids threw snowballs at him. He made them regret disobeying their mothers by mauling them. People heard the ruckus and came out brandishing assorted sharp kitchen utensils. Grimmjow went home.

…

Ulquiorra stared at the quivering mass of blue and white and skin-colored attempting to harmonize into one with the couch cushions.

"I take it that it did not go well."

A shudder.

"…They brought out the cheese graters, didn't they?"

The shivering mess nodded.

"…How cruel."

Grimmjow had been traumatized as a young kitten when a couple of toddlers decided it would be fun to give him a haircut using a cheese grater. Ulquiorra accidentally saved him by eating their souls, and that was how the two had met.

"I also assume that the lights have not been extinguished."

A vivid blue eye peeked out from under the cushions, incredulous. It was met with narrowed juniper. "Yes, that means you need to go back."

A growl.

"Couch?"

Grimmjow nodded.

"Then you will be sleeping outside."

Whimper.

"No."

Whimper with protruding bottom lip.

"No."

Whimper with quivering bottom lip.

"No."

Whimper with quivering bottom lip and glassy eyes.

"…Fine. I'll go with you."

…

They were all set to go.

Except for one thing.

Ichigo Kurosaki was on duty tonight, taking the midnight shift, making their plans more complicated. They sat around and thought, trying to come up with a way to bypass the redhead, because he was no fun to deal with, (well, for Ulquiorra at least). Especially since Grimmjow would not be able to resist a fight.

Ulquiorra considered just doing away with Kurosaki, but that wouldn't be good, since he was actually the son of the president of the neighboring town of Seireitei. And Seireitei had even brighter lights. The grinch mentally shuddered.

Eventually, Grimmjow got bored of thinking and started pacing.

Ulquiorra's eyes followed the not-grinch's every step until he started to go cross-eyed and pushed Grimmjow, who flailed over a shelf of books in the process of falling. By plot-manipulation, a dusty storybook happened to separate from the rest, flopping open at the page with the story '_The Night Before Christmas_'. Both eyed the book noncommittally before twin light bulbs appeared.

…

"Why am I the reindeer?" Grimmjow yelped, clinging to the ceiling for dear life to avoid the tack-on tail that Ulquiorra was attempting to attach to his rear.

…

Woah. He can talk?

_Yes. He can talk. Now shut up._

…

"Because you're already a dumb, simple-minded beast of burden. Now get down before I go up there myself."

Grimmjow hissed. "You little bastard—_ouch!_"

Ulquiorra's patience had run out. "Good. That tail suits you. Come here so I may affix the ears."

The not-grinch had no time to decline before he was yanked down by his real tail, crashing onto the hard cave floor with a yelp. Ulquiorra wasted no time, kneeling to sift through sky-blue hair before he found a fuzzy ear.

Grimmjow was a cat-chimera, you see. (And I just made this up right this minute because it sounded cool, and calling him a not-grinch gets redundant, and who doesn't love hot guys with kitty ears?)

Ulquiorra taped the brown construction paper triangle he had cut onto the fluffy appendage. He did the same to the other one, which was futilely trying to escape detection by laying itself flat against the scalp. After the itchy taping, Grimmjow tried to scratch but got his hand swatted away.

When he saw the large red rubber bouncy ball that the grinch held up, however, he drew the line. "No. No way. I'll suffocate with that!" Strangely enough, Ulquiorra gave the ball a considering glance and acquiesced. He made up for the temporary moment of weakness by coloring Grimmjow's nose with neon red finger paint.

Finally, Ulquiorra stepped back and admired his fuming masterpiece. He held up the storybook picture and looked between the two images. Something was missing.

Looking around, the grinch spotted a broom in the corner. He retrieved it, snapping the straw from the stick, and also a soup ladle from the drawer. Grimmjow eyed him oddly.

The odd look morphed into horror as the short monster turned to him with a bottle of superglue, duct tape, and twine in hand.

Ulquiorra gauged Grimmjow's expression as he held up each item in turn, settling on twine being the most humane adhesive. He stuck the soup ladle in Grimmjow's hair behind his ear, trying to secure it with twine. That didn't work so well, so he laid the ladle flat against the scalp and bundled the twine around the cat-chimera's head. Then he tucked the broomstick into the twine on the opposite side. Locking both items in place with clear tape, Ulquiorra gave a nod of contentment.

But something was still missing.

Grimmjow was still too…white. Reindeer were brown. Ulquiorra frowned.

…

"Paint, chocolate, or mud?" Pick your poison.

Grimmjow hissed at the grinch from his perch among the stalactites. He was _not_ getting any of that _stuff_ on his skin.

He was safe until the grinch decided that he'd try splatter painting.

…

Half an hour later, Grimmjow, the ceiling, the cave floor, and most of the furniture were covered in dripping brown paint-chocolate-mud. Ulquiorra's clothing was somehow still pristine.

…

Ulquiorra didn't own much red. The one red handkerchief and napkin he had unearthed were not nearly enough to make a suit out of. There wasn't enough red finger paint either.

Grimmjow, still spiteful about having been dolled up into a reindeer, looked at the array of art supplies conspiratorially. "You know, you could just mix the red and white for a lighter red. That would give you enough."

Ulquiorra absentmindedly nodded, for once trusting the other's judgment. He had just finished pouring the two paints together and coloring his costume when he realized that it was a nice carnation pink. He glared.

Grimmjow smirked.

The next ten minutes were spent by Ulquiorra and Grimmjow trying to maim and not be maimed, respectively.

Finally, as Grimmjow clung fearfully to the light fixture, praising lady fortune for Ulquiorra's lack of height, he had an idea. "Look, Ulquiorra, this isn't helping! Why don't you just go kill something and use its blood? Heck, I'll do it for ya if you put that food processor down!"

Ulquiorra considered it. "And if the blood is infected?"

"The hell do you care? It's not like you can get sick!"

"…Fine. But you are not going. I do not wish to re-attach your antlers."

Grimmjow blinked. "So that's what the spoon you stuck to my head is supposed to be?"

Ulquiorra twitched at the jab at his handiwork, but suppressed it. Emotionless. Calm. Deep breath. "Of course. What did you assume they were?"

"I dunno. Wings?"

Emotionless. Poker face. Breathe in. Breathe out. Ulquiorra stomped outside, doing his best to inhale and exhale without hyperventilating. Easier said than done. He tripped outside hiccupping sporadically. Grimmjow stood by should CPR become necessary.

…

Ulquiorra came back looking quite scary, drenched in blood from head to toe.

"What'd you _do_?" Grimmjow wasn't complaining, but curiosity got the better of him.

"I killed an elephant and used its chest cavity for a swimming pool."

"…There are elephants out here?"

"It said it was a snuffle-ump."

…

Grimmjow sized up the small sled. It was very…small.

"Oi! Can't ya get something bigger?"

Ulquiorra emerged from the cave. "Why? It's big enough."

"Tch. Big enough for you, maybe. But if you're going alone, I'm not complaining."

Ulquiorra stared at him as if he had sprouted another nose. "What?"

"You are a reindeer. Where does a reindeer go?"

Grimmjow's jaw dropped. "No. You're not—,"

…

Grimmjow stood at the front of the sleigh, seething quietly as he gnawed grouchily on the bit in his mouth. Why they even had a horse harness he didn't know. Ulquiorra was seated in the sled behind him, trying to figure out how the reins worked.

"Grimmjow. Do I pull this part," Grimmjow nearly gagged as the bit was yanked into his throat, "or this part?" He was pulled backward into the snow by his forehead.

…

Ulquiorra eventually gave up trying to decipher harness navigation. To Grimmjow's relief, he was allowed on the sled, even if there was barely enough room to stay seated without highly awkward physical contact. But it was still better than the alternative.

Instead of pull, the grinch decided to push the sleigh over the end of the cliff.

Grimmjow frowned as he eyed the thousand-foot drop.

"…Ulquiorra, this isn't the best id—_eeaaaaaa!_" And then they were hurtling down the mountain from way way way way way up high.

…

After a generally stable trip, (Grimmjow had only fallen off the sled a total of 17 times), they breached the outskirts of Karakura town. Grimmjow was looking a little worse for wear, bristling and wide-eyed. His hair looked like some large bird of prey had once called it home, (in other words, how it usually looked), and his brown-stained attire had been splotched by multiple contacts with the snow. The ladle antler had been de-spooned and bent at a 170º angle, and the crooked broomstick had splintered at both ends, one piece dangling by a sliver. He was missing a construction paper ear. The paint-chocolate-mud had mostly rubbed/blown off, giving him an army-camouflage look, and his front was covered in blood from having had to press against Ulquiorra on the squished sled.

The grinch was a bit ruffled as well. His hairline had been slicked back from the wind, making the strand usually between his eyes pop up stubbornly; his outfit had a pleasant tie-dye effect due to the not-completely-dry blood and wind, the back of it brown thanks to Grimmjow. The pillow he had stuffed under the red suit had snagged on a branch somewhere, causing it to explode in a flurry of feathers. Whenever he shifted or breathed, a few sprigs of down would puff out of his clothing.

But they were alive.

Relatively.

And that's all that mattered.

More or less.

A/N: Probably a three or four-parter. Wrote this little tidbit after watching a cartoon grinch steal Christmas. It's kinda awkward, but gaahhh DDD: angsting since recently, my flash drive with two years' worth of _all_ my stuff, (schoolwork, projects, and fan fiction), changed formats randomly. And I foolishly reformatted to use this recovery program, deleting it all! If anybody knows how to fix this, please help! It's a corner office 1 gb, the small kind! So very very very upset.

But anyways. Review and feed me. rawr.


	2. Then He Slid Down the Chimney

_Title: _The Ugly Grinch and His Reindeer-Cat-Thingy  
_Author: _Ephemeral Rainfall (I've changed names 3 times since last update, wow)_  
Summary: _Ulquiorra the grinch does not like happy things. So he and his trusty cat-reindeer Grimmjow try to steal Christmas from Karakura Town. With Ichigo too busy laughing at Grimmjow's costume to help, is there any hope to stop them?

A/N: Thanks for everyone that reviewed! Love you all! Forgot to add a disclaimer, put it in chapter 1. As Ulquiorra would put it, 'Here is the second installment of the trashiest piece of human filth ever devised.' R&R.

**Chapter 2**

Last time:

_But they were alive._

_Relatively._

_And that's all that mattered._

_More or less._

…

But strife was just getting started, rubbing its hands and snickering mischievously. Someone had heard the ruckus, (they broke a few fences and toppled five trees), and was jogging over. The bright mop of vermilion gave him away from 10 kilometers.

None other than Kurosaki Ichigo. And yes, he did have that ridiculous overgrown butter knife strapped to his back.

Once he got in range, he stopped. "Ulquiorra?" Ichigo squinted disbelievingly. "Is that you? What're you doing out so late? That mutant grinch is supposed to be out around now; it's not safe…and why're you dressed in red?" He had never seen him in anything but white before. And the occasional black.

Ulquiorra tried to come up with an excuse. See, Ichigo didn't know about him being a grinch because, well, he didn't look anything like one. And he wanted to keep it that way.

"I am not Ulquiorra," he said, doing his best to deepen his voice. He knew he should've kept the beard, no matter how itchy that damn snuffle-ump pelt was.

Ichigo blinked, his face looking like this: -.-U. "Riiigghhht…who are you again?"

"I am Santa Claus."

"Sure you are. Now—," Ichigo stopped short. He was about to usher the insane imposter back home when his eyes landed on the brown-and-blue shape standing next to the sled desperately trying to teleport to Jupiter.

"G-Grimmjow?" Ichigo's voice cracked, sending the last syllable spiraling into mist. His cheeks bulged with barely restrained guffaws. Grimmjow was dressed in a blotchy brown thing, streaks of the earthy hue along his arms and face. There was a broken stick tied to his head. "What are you supposed to be? A unicorn?"

Aforementioned cat-chimera turned, a vein popping on his forehead. The strawberry better not make fun of him. "_What_ did you just—," _Klunk_.

Ulquiorra hid his smoking fist as Grimmjow fell, clutching his head more from annoyance than agony. He turned to a thoroughly flabbergasted and choking Ichigo. "This is my reindeer, trash, not this 'Grimmjow' you speak of. Do not attempt to communicate with my reindeer, Gri—Grinder. I do not appreciate you distracting Grinder from his employment."

The guard took a step backward, perhaps more in fear for his own mental health than anything else. "Okay then. Have fun delivering presents. Good night." Ichigo spun to continue his round, when he thought better of it and walked the opposite way, approaching Grimmjow.

He stopped three feet away from the irked reindeer-cat-thing and grinned. Ulquiorra suspiciously watched the two, ready to jump in should one try to eviscerate the other.

Ichigo pulled a carrot from his pack, smile widening. "Would the weindeer Gwimm—Gwinder wike a cawwit?" He chucked the vegetable at Grimmjow's face and hightailed it out of there, in hysterics all the way. The carrot slowly slid off, leaving a red mark right between his eyes.

Grimmjow bared his canines in a rending growl and leapt after the orange-haired boy with a feral snarl, only to have his collar yanked backward.

"Eat your carrot, Grinder. No destroying Kurosaki."

"Aww. Can I just kill him?"

"No. No death."

"How about maim?"

"No."

"Slight dismemberment?"

"No."

"Grievously injure?"

"No."

"Seriously wound?"

"…No."

"Superficial bleeding?"

"You are not allowed to touch him."

Grimmjow thought. "Can I shoot him then?"

"…I'm this close to tossing you into that frozen lake."

"Eep!"

…

"So…what are we doing again?"

"We are going to destroy the electricity plant."

"…Do you even know where it is?"

"…No. But how difficult could it be to find?"

"Well, Karakura's a pretty rustic town…I don't think they even have one." The look on the grinch's face was enough to send him into convulsions.

"…Be quiet, Grimmjow."

…

Since Karakura had no huge power plant that controlled all the city's power that could be turned off by switching a single lever, they had to go around messing up circuit boxes by hand.

(Grimmjow had no clue where Ulquiorra got the idea that all power could be toggled off by a big red button with 'DO NOT TOUCH' written across it, but he censured the stack of Marvel comics someone had hidden in the couch cushions. He vowed that he would have some fun exploiting the shorter one's super villain fetish to avenge his humiliation once they got home.)

The first house they stopped at was the Ishida household.

Exchanging a glance, Grimmjow shrugged and approached the front door. It was locked. He told Ulquiorra so.

"Of course it's locked, you buffoon. And no, you may not break the door down." They stood staring at the door for five minutes. "So…how are we gonna get in?" Grimmjow asked, picking at the tape on his ear.

Ulquiorra shot him a blankly poisonous glare. "I am trying to determine if there are any conscious life forms within the structure. Unlike Kurosaki, Ishida Uryuu has a brain."

"…So?"

"So, unlike you as well, he is not an idiot."

"Well, y'know what? You're a midget freak!"

"…"

"…Are you done yet?"

"No."

"…What about now?"

"No."

"…_Now_?"

"No."

"How about now?"

"No."

"nOw?"

"nO."

"Won?"

"On."

"…Can we go in _now_?"

"No."

"…Now?"

_Sigh_. "If you must."

Grimmjow rolled his eyes and grabbed the doorknob, twisting back and forth until the lock splintered. Throwing a triumphant look over his shoulder, the cat-chimera marched inside.

And was promptly blinded by the million-watt Quincy star in the front room.

…

Uryuu woke up with a jolt at the sound of his front door slamming open. Then a set of stomping footsteps entered his house. Then a yelp. Burglars.

Sliding his glasses on, the dark-haired male raised an eyebrow as the footsteps banged into something, not-so-muffled curses reaching his ears as clear as day. Really stupid burglars.

Sighing long-sufferingly, he slid out of sinfully comfortable covers, grabbing his archery bow off the desk along with a bathrobe and the first aid kit. He wasn't in the mood to be sued for having dangerous and obstructive furniture.

…

Grimmjow propped himself against the wall by the elbow, holding up his left shin as he irately glowered at the innocent ottoman lying on its side. "F*cking motherf*cking f*cker! Sh*t, that f*cking hurt like a f*cking b*tch!"

Ulquiorra imperceptibly shook his head in the background at Grimmjow's lack of eloquence. It was a wonder that the owner of the house hadn't appeared. Perhaps they had gotten lucky and he was on vacation? That was most probably the case, he surmised.

_Shhhh—THUNK._

Or not.

The grinch dispassionately spared a glance at the arrow embedded not two centimeters from Grimmjow's head. The cat-chimera hadn't even noticed, carrying on to insult the lineage of the ottoman's mother. Ulquiorra took a moment to filter and process the profanity spewing from his companion's pothole, tilting his head to the side as he contemplated the impossibility of assuming such a position as Grimmjow suggested with a camel, no matter how well-endowed the beast was.

"Grimmjow."

"Goddamn Oedipus-complex-inflicted squirrel of a yogurt-eating obese hippopotamus hooker who likes it up the—!"

"Grimmjow."

"The hell do you want?"

"You may want to move to your left." Grimmjow complied, hopping a step over, confusion overtaking his face. Another two arrows thudded into the wall where he had been.

Teal eyebrows furrowed, immediately darting to his unseen assaulter. "Come out!" he bellowed, squinting into the darkness at the top of the stairs.

The first thing they both saw was a pair of glowing rectangles, followed by a seemingly floating mint-colored body.

Grimmjow frowned, just the least bit put off that a fairy of all things had just shot at him, (he knew he shouldn't have eaten that twinkle pixie-thing last Tuesday), when Ishida took another step into the luminescence of the star.

Oh. It was just a guy in super shiny glasses, black pajamas, and a really girly bathrobe. Holding a bow. The spider-webbed cogs in Grimmjow's brain shifted slightly, putting two and two together.

"You!" he roared, pointing a finger. Ishida frowned, perplexed. "Me?"

"No, the toilet behind you! Yes, you. Ya shot at me! What're you doin' here?"

"…I live here."

"…" Grimmjow stilled, calculating the likeability of scaling the railing and throttling Ishida before the grinch could stop him.

Ishida raised an eyebrow. "And what are _you_ doing here?"

"Don't change the subject!" Damn. Now he had to start all over. If the angle of trajectory were aligned between the dromedary-bastard ottoman, the really ugly lamp, and the juice-stained stair third from the bottom—at least, he hoped it was juice—then the apex of the parabola would deposit him at the railing sector perpendicular to the eleventh stair. Force exerted times inertia and delayed by acceleration of gravity by 32.2 feet/second would call for a thrust of 800…wait, was that in Joules or Pascals?

"…Should I call the authorities?"

Grimmjow snarled as he tripped up again. Ulquiorra got impatient and elbowed him out of the way to step forward. "No. Everything is as it should be. I am Santa Claus. Make no hasty movement and return to your bedroom. By morning you will have forgotten everything, or at least you will accredit it all to a dream."

Uryuu's eye twitched. "You two are the strangest thieves I have ever met. Now, please leave before I do something we'll both regret."

"I sincerely doubt that you could—," _SHHUNK_. There was an arrow protruding from his stomach. Joy. Neutrally regarding the object, Ulquiorra sighed audibly. "I have warned you."

Before the bespectacled male could re-string his bow, the grinch had appeared behind him and whacked the back of his neck with Grimmjow's broomstick ex-antler. The cat chimera blinked and belatedly jerked at the removal of his head appendage.

Mauve eyes rolled back, Ishida's face stilled in frozen confusion. He toppled onto the stairs. Grimmjow nonchalantly watched, (and a bit huffily, since he had done all those sums for nothing), as Ulquiorra hefted the unconscious human back to his room, descending the stairs this time like a normal person.

"Hey, you've still got eh," Grimmjow gestured to his middle. Ulquiorra looked down briefly and ripped the arrow from his abdomen. A small waterfall of red un-stoppered, falling onto the nice shiny stairs.

Raising a blue eyebrow, the cat chimera scowled. "He didn't actually…hurt you…did he? 'Cause that would just be pathetic."

Ulquiorra answered him by unbuttoning his over-large shirt and showing Grimmjow the plastic pocket on the inner lapel. It was steadily leaking a frill of snuffle-ump blood. He emptied the compartment on the expensive looking Persian rug and replaced his shirt, a few bloodstained feathers drifting out of the ruined pillow.

…

After clipping the wire on the ridiculously bright star in the front room, they mutilated the switchbox with it. It was a bit odd that Ishida had no Christmas tree, a giant pentagram-esque star, and only white and blue Christmas lights, but it meant less work, so neither was complaining.

Before leaving the house, Ulquiorra had the decency to make Grimmjow wipe up the blood on the stairs and flip over the ruined foreign rug. Then he made up for that moment of weakness by running back upstairs and stealing one of Uryuu's nice satin goose down pillows to stuff in his shirt.

One down. 499 to go.

A/N: Wow, long time no update. This chapter's getting way too long, so this'll hafta be it. Sorry. Hime, Ichi's house, Tatsuki, Chad, Vizards, and Urahara Shoten up next. And anyone else I can think of.

Reviewing makes my fingers hyper. They'll work faster. ;)


	3. He Did the Same To the Other Who Houses

Title: The Ugly Grinch and His Reindeer-Cat-Thingy  
Author: Ephemeral Rainfall  
Summary: Ulquiorra the grinch does not like happy things. So he and his trusty cat-reindeer Grimmjow set out to steal Christmas from Karakura Town. With Ichigo too busy laughing at Grimmjow's costume to help, is there any hope to stop them? A/N: I don't own Claritin, although I used it for the first time last fall. Never had allergies before. It tastes interesting and makes me spinny. I'm so sorry for the time! I finished this when I finished chapter 2, but I kept forgetting I had it! D: R&R~! Chapter 3

Last time:

_One down. 499 to go._

…

_Five houses, four trees, two dead squirrels, and seven crashes later…_

The first sign that something was off was the platter of cookies. Or what might have been meant to be cookies.

Lumps of charcoal black were neatly arranged in a circle, jagged chunks of highlighter orange sticking out dangerously from each cookie. Each pastry was slathered with an aged, crumbly, maroon sauce that smelled reminiscently of fish. And the glass of…substance…that stood next to the offering was a disconcerting tinge of puce.

Grimmjow dared Ulquiorra to eat one.

Ulquiorra dared himself to cram one into Grimmjow's face.

Grimmjow shut up.

…

The living room looked like a unicorn with rainbow flatulence had exploded in it. All the girly colors damaged Grimmjow's masculinity.

He resolved to annihilate such menaces to his manliness. (The kitty ears have already been there done that, Grimmy).

CRASHKSKK. There goes the lamp. Nothing that sparkly, creepy, and scientifically impossible deserved to live anyways. *coughEdwardCullencough*

"Could you be any louder, Grimmjow?"

"I can try." _**CRASHKHKJKH.**_

…

After breaking another two polka-dot bookshelves and shredding four curtains, three hippie throw rugs and one floral-print slip cover, Grimmjow guessed that this time the owner must really be not at home. No one could sleep through that.

He tossed the TV through the window.

Ulquiorra occupied himself with the task of untwisting the holiday lights one by one, in search of that evil one that would make the entire string go out. He was having little luck so far.

…

Orihime snored on.

She snored through the initial break-in that demolished her door. She kicked at her covers at the food fight that ensued with her cookies. She snored through the destruction of her furniture. She reached up to scratch her head when the television shattered glass. She continued snoring when a Cero made a hole in her bedroom floor.

…

Grimmjow booted the refrigerator covered in pink fruity magnets and multihued post-its through the wall to put it out of its flamboyant misery.

…

The sound of her beloved icebox of precious red bean paste going through her wall made her jolt up.

Jumping through the hole in her floor, nightgown fluttering ominously like she was some fearsome creature of the night, the brunette dropped into the kitchen with a fierce battle cry. Without having even fully opened her eyes, she kicked Grimmjow off her beloved refrigerator and into the adjacent room. He flew off with a furious and confused "Merowr!"

When she finally opened her eyes, (God forbid she had just punted a poor hungry kitty cat!), Orihime screamed at seeing the two in her living room.

"OMIGOSH! It's **Santa Claus**! Kyyaaaaa!"

She tackled Ulquiorra, sending a tsunami of feathers around the room. Ulquiorra toppled over. "Woah! You can even make it snow _inside_!" She snuggled firmly against him, face scrunched with bliss. Ulquiorra stared, not sure how to respond. Grimmjow growled from the sidelines, trying to rub down out of his eyes.

"I can't believe it's really you! I—I don't know what to say!" Orihime released him to look him up and down, pinching her cheek to make sure she wasn't dreaming. She didn't notice that half of her face was smeared with snuffle-ump blood. That stuff takes forever to dry. "Wow! You're really real!" Her arms tightened like a vice around him as she cuddled up again, sending out another slew of feathers.

Grimmjow had just blinked the last feathers out of his eyes and was getting up to help the grinch when his eyes were assaulted again.

"Gaahhh!" He slipped on a throw rug (sole weathered veteran survivor of the Great Grimmjow Griping) and fell down with a thump, attracting the girl's attention.

"Oh, and you even brought your reindeer! Does he like cookies too? I didn't bake any reindeer treats 'cause I didn't know if you brought your reindeer in with you since I thought they wouldn't fit down the chimney but I can go get something for him if he likes cookies or milk or cake or cupcakes or something," she spouted in one breath, frowning as she attempted to think of a good snack for airborne deer.

Grimmjow turned to her, his eyes bloodshot and watery. Orihime gasped. "Oh no! Is he crying? Is he sick? Does he have allergies? I think I have some Claritin Clear, lemme go get it!"

She bounced off of Ulquiorra, running to retrieve the medication.

The two monsters exchanged a trying glance. Well, Grimmjow was trying hard not to cry. Ulquiorra was trying to learn to breathe again.

"Let's skip this house?"

Ulquiorra coughed, unable to respond.

"You think she'd get suspicious? That twit will just think Santa couldn't wait."

Ulquiorra glared.

"…You know her?"

Nod.

"From where?"

Eye roll.

"Then why didn't she recognize you?"

Blank stare.

"See? More proof she's a birdbrain. Now let's move it before she gets back! Claritin Clear makes me see things!"

Ulquiorra attempted to re-inflate his collapsed respiratory system.

"Huh? No, that's not the point of allergy medicine; I meant see things that aren't there…this house has the brightest lights in the neighborhood? What're you, a stalker?"

The grinch made an agonized choking sound.

"I'm not a blind dingbat, you asshole—"

"I'm ba~aack!" Orihime chirruped, padding into the living room with a box of medicine held high. "I couldn't find the Claritin, Mr. Reindeer, so I brought you some penicillin I made from orange peels. I think it works about the same. Here, try some."

Grimmjow backed away until something sharp poked into the nape of his neck, making him hiss cattily and swipe at the obstacle instinctively.

The Christmas tree swayed awkwardly, then tipped onto him with a vengeance.

Orihime stood by, the moldy citrus brandished innocently. "Oh dear. Is he alright?" she turned to address 'Santa'.

He was gone.

Panicked, Orihime spun around and around before finally seeing that 'Santa' was tugging his bristling reindeer free of the possessed holiday icon.

She took this as a sign of him preparing to leave. "Santa! Wait! Don't go yet! You haven't tried my fruitcake-seafood-tofu cookies yet! And I have rhubarb-oyster-gooseberry-espresso puree instead of milk, since it's supposed to help indigestion from drinking so much calcium. And I heard that you had weight problems, so I made them all low-fat and extra-healthy…" Orihime glanced at 'Santa', "but I guess you don't have that issue anymore. In fact, I think you need to put on a lot more weight. Would you like some of the choco-moose cake I made?" She flittered off to the kitchen once more.

Somehow, neither grinch nor not-grinch put it past her to have put actual moose in that.

"We gotta get—"

Orihime returned too quickly, a lumpy mound of brown on a platter in her hands. The duo fancied they could see a chunk of antler sticking out.

"Here, try some!" she shoved it at the poor cat-chimera.

Grimmjow looked toward Ulquiorra for help. He couldn't blow their cover by talking; was Ulquiorra able to speak yet?

The grinch shook his head. Grimmjow turned his eyes skyward and muffled a hand over his own mouth, darting behind Ulquiorra. In the sissiest voice he could manage, he said, "I'm sorry, but Santa has to go! I am very busy tonight, no time to waste!" Ulquiorra frowned at him, making no effort to pretend that he was speaking.

Orihime visibly deflated, shoulders drooping miserably. "Aw, you're sure you can't even have one slice of cake?"

"No, no time! Be a good little girl and I'll see you next year!"

The auburn-haired girl sniffed, dejected. "Okay, Santa. Have a safe trip then! And…put on lots of weight! You look like a skeleton, and that's no good since this is Christmas, not Halloween!"

"Ahahaha, Santa will! Now go back to bed!" Grimmjow crooned, all the while edging toward the nearest window.

The auburn-haired girl nodded giddily. Then she ran forward to squeeze Santa one last time before saying her goodbyes and reluctantly backing out of the living room. As soon as her bright hair dipped behind a wall, Grimmjow hurtled out the window, ripping through the screen, Ulquiorra in tow.

Cough.

"I got the fuse box when I pushed the fridge through the wall. We are NOT going back there."

…

Chad shuffled drowsily into the living room, dressed in pajamas that looked like his normal clothes. In one hand he clutched a toaster.

Ulquiorra stared. Grimmjow stared. Chad suppressed a yawn and half-heartedly lobbed the utility at the intruders. Grimmjow caught it and was about to chuck the bread-burning thing right back when Ulquiorra plucked it out of his hand and set it down.

Then he turned to stare at Chad for another five seconds before the silent behemoth lumbered back to bed.

…

She was waiting for them.

So Ulquiorra let Grimmjow go in first.

The poor kitty was promptly pounded by a coffee table.

Ulquiorra dodged the dresser aimed at him and kicked Tatsuki in the back.

He darted in, removed the single glowing candle shaped like a duck, (probably a gift from that insane girl she was friends with), and got out, able to tidy up the mess and haul Arisawa back to her bed before Grimmjow dazedly got up, grumbling about how one light stick wasn't worth all the glass in his back.

The grinch mentally rolled his eyes. It was not a stick. It was a mound of wax methodically sculpted into a replica of some native waterfowl.

Visually challenged marsupial.

…

Kurosaki's home was blessedly easy. Thank goodness Kurosaki had slipped sleeping pills into his father's food so he could go out and romp as much as his little teenaged, walnut-sized brain desired. (Ulquiorra had no idea why the president of Seireitei lived in Karakura). With Kurosaki gone, everyone was asleep aside from that one dark-haired girl who tripped the grinch and nailed a soccer ball dangerously close to Grimmjow's crotch as the cat-chimera was laughing at his fallen companion.

Ulquiorra had to spend the next half hour playing keep away with the struggling girl and then her unconscious body as Grimmjow tried to extract revenge.

…

Shinji Hirako heard them come in, even though his case was the quietest forced entry that they had accomplished all night (Hiyori destroyed his door years ago), groggily walked out with his vizard mask pulled on, scared himself in the hallway mirror, and tripped down the stairs. He promptly knocked himself out and began snoring.

Ulquiorra blinked.

…

She was waiting for them too.

This time, Grimmjow was smart and pushed Ulquiorra in first. After the grinch walked ten paces without dying, the cat-chimera snorted and struts in, only to be pelted in the cranium with a sandal. Hiyori leapt from the dresser and assaulted him with more footwear.

When they had successfully tied her to her ceiling light fixture, Grimmjow shoved Ulquiorra against a wall and demanded whether he was forming secret alliances with the Vizards.

The grinch simply stated that he had walked close to the dresser, not tall enough to be seen.

Grimmjow punched him.

…

Urahara's Shop was the hardest and therefore last hit.

The grinch and not-grinch spent ten minutes outside the door, the former staring in hatred at the giant flashing Urahara mascot on the roof, the latter staring in hatred at the former.

After they finally mustered the courage to open the unlocked door, Ulquiorra pitched the remnants of Grimmjow's broomstick antler in. It was promptly studded with arrows, doused in acid, squashed with a steam roller, shot, mustard-gassed, dyed pink, set on fire, and dropped into a pit of spikes. A tennis ball flew out the door into the snow, splattering out a message written in what appeared to be ketchup: _Enter and DIE. (Unless you are a paying customer and would like to purchase some merchandise from our lovely shop. In which case, please return in the morning. We are open from 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. weekdays and 10 a.m. to 8 p.m. on Saturday, closed Sunday. Thank you, have a nice day!)_

Looking at the demolished antler and then back at each other, the two swallowed.

Maybe they would skip this house.

…

Ulquiorra spared one last look at the slumbering and significantly dimmed municipality. "I cannot shake the impression that we have forgotten something very important."

Grimmjow tossed him a withering look. "No. Just no. We've cut every wire in town. What else could you possibly want?"

The grinch returned the glare coldly. "Something very consequential. Something we will come to regret in the morning."

"…D'ya know how wrong that sounds?"

Ulquiorra internally rolled his eyes.

~_End Chapter 3~_

A/N: Some stuff to clear up. Yes, I got lazy. coughgraduallesseningoftext. Yes, Grimmy and Ulqui have a telepathic connection that allows them to communicate based off of guttural sounds and (lack of) facial expressions. Do not question.

…Reviews help me type 48% faster. It's a proven statistic. So please feed me? Promise promise the last chapter will be up sometime this week depending on response. XD


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